Processing Emotions
It took me a long time to understand why psychologists and people who understand emotions do not give hugs or comfort when others are displaying great levels of emotion. I come from a family of huggers and when there are tears in the eyes another automatically goes in for the hug. This always left me feeling safe and comforted. I have been in healing circles where I opened up and was vulnerable, letting my tears and words out of the pain inside and everyone sat there, no one came running in to comfort or to console. No words of comfort given and no explanation. This left me feeling confused. Was this so-called healing circle that I was in surrounded by gifted healers, actually filled with cold people or people that really didn’t care? Was I actually in a not “safe” place letting my deepest wound be put into a spotlight?
Only a few years ago I was in a similar healing circle with others that were also vulnerable. I wanted to rush in and comfort these people who were crying and letting out their pain. The teacher, a wonderful shaman sat there looking at this person with compassion yet she was unmoving and then thanked her at the end for sharing. I was again, confused? What no words of insight, no words of comfort or help? Again, was this is a safe place to share? Then I shared bearing my innermost fear, letting tears fall and vocally crying out. Then I got it! I understood that this was indeed a safe place. That these people I was surrounded by were compassionate, loving, kind people and I was in a very, safe and sacred space.
When we allow others to feel what they have been hiding or what needs to come out without rushing to save them, we are allowing them to fully heal. When we rush in comfort, console, give immediate wisdom we are diminishing them from fully healing.
When we rush in to console, we are actually saying, wait, don’t feel that! Don’t let that out, instead feel this comfort, this blanket of love I am giving you. Feel anything but what is coming out. Shift the feeling of pain and anguish to a feeling of comfort. By doing this we are again letting that feeling be pushed down instead of fully allowing it to be seen, shared and released.
When we give wisdom right away and do not allow the space of the silence we do not allow the healing space to be completed. There is a time for wisdom and there is a time for comfort but first we have to give the time and space for letting out, the showing, the roaring of our pain and suffering to those around us in a safe place. This all needs to be heard, seen, put in the spotlight, shown fully, all that it is and all that it has caused.
Allowing this space and this spotlight to be in full blaze is better than any comfort. For this allows for the true healing to begin.
So next time someone comes to you in great distress, hear them, see them, let them let it all out without shame, guilt, or rushing in to make it all better.
See their pain, their suffering, give them silence after they have shared and then thank them. Then let them know you have heard and seen this and it's okay to feel all that they are feeling, it's okay for all of us to feel what we are feeling.
Let it out, see it and transform it. You know what this feels like for you have done it many times with friends and loved ones. The feeling of great relief after sharing, the feeling of being freed from your suffering and moving forward.
It doesn’t mean there is not a time for comfort for there is, it means that the space needs to be given first, the space and the unfiltered releasing.